Thursday, November 8, 2012

30 Days of Thankfulness, Days Seven and Eight

Because I was all slacker-y yesterday, and because these two things go together, and because it's my blog and I can combine days if I want to.

I am so, so thankful for these little girls.

There were several things that I wanted to be when I was younger - an archaeologist, a lawyer, a librarian, a speech/language pathologist. I changed my mind over and over again, but completely aside from the career choices, I always knew that I wanted to be a mommy.

You've heard it said that sometimes God answers prayers with a "yes," sometimes with a "no," and sometimes with "wait." NO and WAIT can feel very much like the same answer sometimes, as I well learned when Gene and I decided that we were ready to become parents. We waited and waited, and I cried and cried, sure that our answer was NO. Clearly, it was not.

Rachael was worth the wait. From the moment she was born, she was a sweet, cuddly little girl. A little hard-headed sometimes, but loving and thoughtful and always smiling. She spoke like a miniature adult and entertained and astonished us, and we were sure that we could never love another person nearly as much.

But, we were willing to try. And again, we were made to WAIT. And wait, and wait, even longer than we waited for Rachael. Again, I cried and prayed and begged, and just when I decided that my emotions weren't up to the wait any longer and was ready to throw in the towel, there she was.

We had already decided on the name Amelia, if we ever had another daughter, and Amelia became real in my mind long before there was another tiny person to name. Gene had hoped for a boy, but there was no question that I wanted another sweet girl. And she was perfection.

Milly was never as easy as her sister. She's demanding and whiny when she doesn't get her way, she's shy when we don't want her to be, and she terrorizes her big sister (who, in turn, allows herself to be terrorized.) In short, Rachael made us feel like wonderful parents. Milly taught us how very little we really knew. We needed the balance. And yet, she is as loving as her sister (when no one else is around), just as cuddly (when she's in the mood), and amazing in her intensity. I don't love her nearly as much as I love Rachael. I love her just as much, only differently.

They fight. They whine. They're messy and loud. They drive me absolutely nuts most some days. I run out of patience and yell at them and feel like a rotten mom sometimes. I dole out punishments when I don't really want to, because they need it, or withhold punishment because I am Mommy and I can, and that's what grace is all about. They don't get everything they want, because I won't have them feeling entitled. And yet, I want to give them the world. They are a constant source of inner-mommy conflict.

But when they're playing so sweetly together, when little arms reach for a hug, when one of them says, "I love you, Mommy" ...well, all is right in my world, and all the waiting and conflict is worth it. I am not deserving of blessings such as these.

No comments:

Post a Comment